Kneumsi

The year was 1987, I was obsessed with Lisa Bonet, David Lee Roth, Friendship Bracelets and Stephen King Novels. Probably everyone else close to my age was too. Debbie Gibson was a biscuit and the concept of a chick leaving the house without Teased Bangs was as shocking as French Kissing a Light Socket. That year at the age of 13 I likely would have given just about anything to be 29 years old and free of all my troubles.

Predictably, now that I actually am 29, I'd probably give anything to be 13 again to do all this over again and, frankly, to be free of all my troubles. That's why this new Teen Comedy 13 Going on 30 actually managed to hit home a little bit. The main difference between Jennifer Garner's wildly attractive turn as a Teenager trapped in the body of a grown hottie and my own plight is, for one thing, I'm quite the dude! For another thing, my near-30 body is more of a double-wide than a Mercedes like Garner!

On her Thirteenth Birthday, young Jenna Rink (newcomer Shana Dowdeswell) wishes to be Thirty and Flirty and to leave this cruel Teen-hood behind. With the help of a little mischievous "Wishing Powder", courtesy of best buddy Matt (Jack Salvatore Jr. from Donnie Darko), she actually wakes up the next morning looking just like Sidney Bristow from Alias, and more confused than Sidney Vicious. Now, instead of trying to fit in to a popularity-cemented Junior High, she's trying to keep a Fashion magazine afloat as a senior editor.

As she adjusts to the fact that this isn't a dream, she looks up Matt, now grown and cool as portrayed by In the Cut's Mark Ruffalo, as well as finding all kinds of things out about the 17 year gap in her head. The 13 year-old innocence that Thirty-ish Jenna now has is causing different decisions to be made, and a much nicer and less Jaded person to emerge!

There's no doubt that this has been done before. Essentially this is mostly a Modern Day and Female Version of Big with Tom Hanks. There's also no question that this is yet another Domino Movie that wouldn't have been made without the remake of Freaky Friday. In the 1980's themselves there were a number of these films that owed the original Freaky Friday a debt from Vice Versa to Like Father, Like Son. Sure, 13 Going on 30 isn't about to win any original plot awards, so let's set aside the repetitive nature for just a sec.

Jennifer Garner is hilarious as the wide-eyed 13/ 30 year old. She pretty well acts 13 the entire time, and doesn't give a range (why should she here), but compared to her other works, this is a completely different role. There are a couple of teary eyed moments that fit, but also seem realistic. Sure she's beautiful here (my glasses melted), but there's no mistaking her dead-on performance. Most of the laughs surround Garner herself bringing the colorful MTV late 1980s to the Jaded and Static year of 2004! Not only does she show up looking like Martha Quinn to a stylish magazine party, but she also leads the crowd in a faithful rendition of the Michael Jackson's Thriller line dance! The temporally displaced decade-dated jokes keep coming, but somehow manage never to overpower the story line or feel cheap. Most of the rest of the cast is called on to look wide-eyed at the change in Jenna Rink, but they all do pretty well at it. Ruffalo in particular is a sympathetic, yet cynical foil (and love interest) for Jenna!

There are a few slow moments noticeable in this otherwise quick paced little movie, and at times it feels like it just needs to burn out. Aside from being done before, 13 Going on 30 also demands that we buy in to the explanation-free magic of the premise. You thought that The Lizzie McGuire Movie was a Fairy Tale, well this is full-on Ripley's Believe it or Not! It also gets sort of predictable in a lot of parts, and while there are some surprises, the main ones are how well this premise is handled, not so many in the sub-plot of magazine industrial espionage. If you can get past these occasional Stretch Armstrong moments, I think you can agree that this is a good and fun little film.

Four Stars out of Five for 13 Going on 30! I know, I was as surprised as you are, but it's actually really good. It's cute for the kids and fun for the adults (especially those who were actually 13 in 1987... Pat Benetar, I love you). This might be a little racy for younger kids with the dialogue and occasional SSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXX reference, but if you have a teen at home, this is a good one for you to enjoy and giggle with together!

13 Going on 30 reviewed by J.C. Maçek III who is solely responsible for his views and his Poison, Kiss, Motley Crue, Twisted Sister, Steelheart and Lita Ford Posters!

Man, another Disney Tie-In... How remarkably lame. And this time, not only is it a tie-in, but its a tie in for a RIDE at a Theme Park! What an insult! Yeah, yeah, yeah! That's what I thought too... until I saw they bagged both Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush! Not to mention the Director of The Ring, Gore Verbinski! And it didn't hurt that this particular ride is possibly the coolest in Disney History. Just about every guy who has ridden this ride has thought, man, this would make one great movie, man! I'm one of them! And we were all right! This is probably the most fun movie of the whole summer (just about tied with LXG)!

Was a great action movie with intelligence, wit, and good actors too much to ask? Clearly not, as Disney (of all companies) has delivered just that! This is a swashbuckling, rip-roaring riotous assault in the senses with more fun and laughter than you're likely to find in just about any movie! Yeah, it's the sum of its parts, but its parts are very good. Johnny Depp doesn't find himself at the mast of a top-heavy film with only him to rely on! Instead, almost universally you find good actors here to grace the good script and the good directing. It's a good film... choke on it... I'll be at Disneyland... it worked, sue me!

The plot centers around a pair of unlikely lovers in the form of Orlando Bloom (Legolas from Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings adaptations) and the mind-shakingly hot Keira Knightley (if you think she looks like Natalie Portman, you're not alone... George Lucas thought so too)! The lovers meet as kids and watch each other from afar for most of their lives, propriety preventing a union, much like the secret love we all know that Tom Daschle and Dick Armey secretly harbor... but I digress! When Knightley's character Elizabeth Swann first meets Bloom's Will Turner she sees an Aztec designed medallion about his neck which reminds her of the pirate mythology she has come to know, so she steals it and spirits it away, never knowing it might have more significance than she thinks!

Though these two are two of the main movers of the plot, it is without question Johnny Depp's movie. Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow a homosexual pirate down on his luck and riding into the same town that Will and Elizabeth live in! Soon after his arrival a ship called The Black Pearl, a sort of legendary Flying Dutchman from Hell, arrives to rape, pillage and burn, not to mention find all the Aztec Gold the crew scattered around which led to their demonic curse causing them to literally exist as the walking dead, led by the maniac captain Barbossa!

What follows is an adventure leading to some amazing team-ups, surprisingly satisfying CGI, hilarious moments, and more underhanded scheming and backstabbing than a convention of Hollywood Producers! Aiding the fun is Depp's well-acted, yet incredibly funny in manner Sparrow, complete with compass that points only to his treasure stash and more secrets than a Linda Tripp phone call! The Animation, when needed is amazing, and pretty much flawless. When the Cursed Pearl Pirates are lit by moonlight they are shown for the undead ghouls they truly are, but only then! During an underground fencing match characters move in and out of lit breaks in the ceiling becoming skeletons, then men, then skeletons, then men! It's seamless to my eyes. The scenery, and the sets (real and animated) are just beautiful to behold, and set the scene perfectly!

Geoffrey Rush is a perfect pirate. Funny at the right times, scary at the right times... and Orlando Bloom has the makings of a great actor. Knightley is not only beautiful but plays her part very well. As do the supporting characters, such as Jack's Crew (featuring the almost equally yummers Zoe Saldana)! I've long been a fan of old Jonathan Pryce in his roles as a brave, yet conflicted character of complexity in Brazil, Tomorrow Never Dies... those... Lexus commercials! Here he plays an aging, sniveling man who is pretty funny in his attempts to raise his daughter and survive disembodied arms fighting with him in his cabins.

Depp steals every scene as Sparrow, and keeps the laughs coming with his daring schemes (that usually work), his insane mannerisms, and his occasional bumbling. Sparrow dresses like "Love in an Elevator" era Steven Tyler, and acts like a Male Ullman Character on Tracy Takes On! Verbinsky never lets you forget that Sparrow is above all other things, a pirate, and not exactly the golden hero one might expect from Errol Flynn or someone. It's not only refreshing to see a dignified gay hero in a major motion picture, but to see this hero not be a stock character in all other ways. It's common to se a cleverer than life Hollywood Hero who sets into motion events that ultimately pay off for him in the end. Sparrow isn't so much a hero as a haplessly goofy Keith Richards, thrust into a leadership role. While his plans commonly work out, he's commonly as surprised as the rest of us that they do, and he's just bumbling enough to not really know what the hell he's doing! He doesn't so much exude confidence as he does an forlorn acceptance of unfortunate events that he's pressed into. Rotten scalawag or not, Sparrow is impossible not to like from his Gold Capped Teeth to his obnoxious swagger, he's as much fun to watch as a J. Edgar Hoover Home Movie!

There are a few nods to the Disney ride, fans of which should giggle with the recognition of these. The film doesn't rely on these little things though, so you who have never been to Orlando or to Anaheim won't be negatively affected. The scenes are clever with or without precedent! There is one truly terrifying scene (at least to me) that takes place on a desert island (there is nothing funny about the mass torching of Spiced Island Rum)! There is also a bit of a curiosity to the method of breaking The Curse of the Black Pearl. Apparently this involves the shedding of the blood of a certain character deceased before the events of this film... but why this is doesn't seem to ever be explained... if I missed it please, tell me why!

There really isn't anything to complain about in this film! It's a heck of a lot of fun, and well worth the ticket price. Therefore, I'm giving it a rare Four and One Half Stars! I'm glad the Pirate Movie is back... I just wish Cutthroat Island hadn't gotten such a bum wrap! So... why not the full five stars for Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl? Well... it's not quite Citizen Kane!

DC Versus Marvel! It started as a joke between friends, but eventually became a big rivalry. In the late Seventies, DC decided to compete heavily for the teen market by creating The New Teen Titans written by the incredible Marv Wolfman and illustrated by Gerge Perez the man himself. Originally nothing more than a gathering of sidekicks, Robin, Speedy, and Aqualad, the New group was a gathering of teens now led by a Batman-free Robin, and featured not only kid sidekicks but new additions like Raven, Starfire, Cyborg, and Beast Boy (aka Changeling previously of the Doom Patrol)! This winning series was not only a sales boon for the great DC, but introduced some incredible characters in their own right, not the least of which was Slade Wilson, also known as Deathstroke: The Terminator! After a long successful run and a few spinoffs, the Titans went their separate ways. Naturally there were several attempts to revive the series, most notably by a post-Superman Dan Jurgens, but little fruit was borne.

Luckily the war for popularity between Marvel and DC continues... while in the year of 2003 Marvel unconditionally controls the box office, DC is much more popular on television, from Smallville to Birds of Prey to the Warner Brothers cartoons featuring some of the best from Static Shock to Justice League! Naturally, a revival of Teen Titans by Warner Brothers on the Cartoon Network piqued the collective interest of Comic book fans everywhere. After having viewed the premier episode I have to ask one prime question pertaining to the series as a whole from here on out... why... why... why did it have to be so bad?

Okay, I should be fair here. I mean, it wasn't quite the ingrown toenail that it could be, and surprisingly its fairly accurate to the source material. The series centers, as it should, around Robin, Cyborg, Raven, Beast Boy, and Starfire (gone are some of the other characters like Aqualad and Speedy, but I imagine that this is due to a professional pass to wait for a superior show). Like the comic they occupy a "T" shaped tower off of Manhattan which simultaneously makes one feel secure that heroes are about, and makes the kids easy to target by just about any villain that wants to find them... hell, just look for the Big T!

This, by the way, is exactly what happens in the debut episode. While out for Pizza fortunately in full costume (!), the kids get attacked by a trio of Marvel rip offs sent by a woman working for a "Mr. Slade." What follows is a plot as "formula" as New Coke in which proverbial clocks are cleaned, characters disappear and miraculously return lamer than Viggo Mortenson in a Tolkein film, and at the last minute the heroes remember they are super powered enough to save the day after all. Where were those powers in the beginning, lame-o? Did you forget those like Ollie North forgot all his Iran/ Contra dealings? (What? What? Too soon?)

It's not that we haven't forgiven formulaic cartoons before, but the issue here is that there is so much here that is just plain silly... and it seems intentional. First off, Ciro Nieli who also directs the Cartoon Network Justice League cartoon either had something to do with the Gorillaz videos, or he's a big enough fan to rip those off. Every character here looks like they're about to do a spin and glare into the camera singing "Finally someone let me out of my cage! Time for me is nothin' 'cause I'm countin' no age!" There is also so many conceits borrowed from the worst of Manga Clichés. For example, any time two characters start to fight the scenery vanishes and is replaced by swooshing lines. Not that every cartoon has to be The Animatrix, but all the characters here look a little one dimensional and rubbery at the same time. Speaking of Rubbery, there is a scene in which the actual "T" tower turns elastic and spits out four of our five Titans out into New York Harbor! Why? If the show's just for kiddies, then why in the heck did it debut at Nine PM? Still, rubbery or not, the animation beats' MTV's Spider-Man hands down!

As alluded to earlier, these kids are pretty tough, and never once would one believe that "The Hive" (a trio consisting of a techno-midget, a Mr. Hyde-like tough guy, and a telekinetic chick who looks like the lead singer of Sunflower Sutra) was much of a threat. When time begins to run out on the show, then suddenly the Titans can kick butt. Again, not sure why... no real change occurred from the first or second meeting, but, hey, it worked this time, I guess, like this last time the Mary and Rhoda got together in spite of earlier failures! (What? What? Too soon?)

Lastly, these characters could use some exposition here. You'd have to have been living under a rock to not know who Robin is, but the rest of these characters are a little obscure, especially in 2003! Maybe a future episode will explain how Cyborg became a cyborg, Raven began to be... whatever she is, Starfire came from her home planet and Beast Boy got his powers to become any animal of any color (as long as its green). The series was hard hitting and dealt with drugs, terrorism and crime, and it's just hard to see this being quite so serious... but then again, Sesame Street did do that Mister Hooper funerary episode... so who knows?

Again, this was fairly accurate, just a little skewed toward the silly, sort of like the Ford Administration. It was nice to see that they were planting the seeds for what could be an interesting future, doubtless featuring Slade Wilson (Deathstroke is seen only in Silhouette, but there's no question who this "Mister Slade" is)! As with the WB's Birds of Prey I have to say this... at least they're trying here. It sure beats some of the pathetic things that have passed for comic entertainment in the past.

Two and One Half Stars for Teen Titans! There's a long way to fall, for sure, but you know, there's a lot more UP they could go for as well! Let's hope like the Gorillaz their future is coming on, it's coming on, it's coming on... Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to write the networks to pass on a proposed Mary, Rhoda and Oliver North Television Special. I'd rather see an All Smurf "Hands Across America" with Cliff Robertson reprising his role as Charley Gordon as narrator of the event all sponsored by AT&T! (What? What? Too soon?)

Argh! Such thoughts I have!