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When the best thing in the whole movie is the use of Gordon Lightfoot's "Sundown", you know it's not a good watch. Max's remake of Stephen King's early novel Salem's Lot is one of the worst films I have seen - not just this year - in my life.

At first, I thought it was Remake Syndrome and I wasn't giving this movie a fair chance.

Then I thought maybe it was the fact we've now seen these same tropes several times in King's work: The judgy little Maine town that needs some humbling, the local ruffian teens with switchblades, the outcast kid who gets picked on but fights back, the oblivious adults/cops who don't care what the kids are going through, the moody writer searching for meaning, the drunk/sinful minister who doesn't buy his own BS, the rich/proper foreigner who is really evil. When Salem's Lot came out these little bits of Stephen King's psyche were new - now he has far better and more mature works with the same themes.

But when an epic "scare scene" made me burst out laughing, I had to admit it's not my nostalgia and it's not the tropes - it is just a bad, bad movie.

The acting is wooden, and there is no real character development for even the main characters. "Why are you here?" "I lived here once. My parents were killed. I'm doing research." That is literally the protagonist's entire backstory and motivation, spewed out on a first date.

The vampires have no power and no brains - I think they got confused with zombies. Several scenes where a horde of vampires s-l-o-w-l-y shuffle towards Ben is hysterical (and shouldn't be). For some reason - every cross in town - whether in a church, on a toy train set, or made out of popsicle sticks starts glowing Las Vegas neon red when a vampire is near. And these glowing crosses are everywhere! What?? Was there a cross sale at the dollar store or something?

I know, I know, me saying "Don't watch this movie" will cause you to immediately turn it on to see if it's really that bad. I feel you. But fifteen minutes later, when you know it is, I hope this review will give you permission to go do some laundry while it plays or turn it off.

If you really want to save time, just go to Spotify and listen to Gordon Lightfoot's wonderful "Sundown" - then you'll have everything good this movie has to give.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard did not have cancer, or any other disease her mother claimed she had. She was a victim of her mother's cruel manipulations and Munchausen by Proxy (now called "Fictitious Illness Imposed by Another"). But make no mistake - as the documentary reveals - she is still a very sick woman.

Lifetime devotes gallons of hours to interviews of her explaining her life and abuse, as well as a very dull last 2 episodes about her prison dating and marriage. There's no real fact checking, no real lens or questioning, just her framing her narrative. The whole thing is massive manipulation allowed to run wild.

Through no fault of her own, Gypsy Rose was forced to living as a perpetual sick child. But after 8 years in prison, she still spins stories and narratives that serve her needs, not essentially the needs of the truth or mentally healthy thought. She's still the fairytale loving free spirit child, except she's in prison for murder. (shhh, we're supposed to forget that part).

She doesn't need to "tell her story" - she needs intensive psychotherapy and some years in healthy normalcy. She's got a head full of messed up ideas about everything from what love is to what accountability means. Her equally immature "husband" (now ex-husband) is another sad case of a man with no real world experience who is dating a captive girl and fantasizing about a relationship that isn't' really there.

Giving her a platform (compete with manipulative dreamy shots of her walking alone on a prison yard and sitting in a prison doorway as the rain falls around her) isn't the cure she needs. A halfway house, a job, and therapy is the cure she needs.

The real hero of this whole story is Kristy Blanchard, her stepmother, who patiently hopes for her, prays for her and gives her solid advice. She's gone way out of her way for a child who was never hers, and she is the only one in this story who has earned a right to be heard.

This whole series is overly long, incredibly slow and grating, and just really a sad cash grab on a story that is as compelling as it is horrible.

It doesn't come to any kind of conclusion. After episode 6 it just stops. Which is fitting, because this story is never going to end. Gypsy Rose is going to go from show to show, podcast to pulpit telling it over and over, with her sing-song narrative and "Dreams come true" finale. She's gone from her mother's prison, to actual prison, to the prison of media attention. From the day she and her boyfriend killed her mother, she's getting better press. She's just not getting better.

The documentary is incredibly well constructed. It starts off very friendly and kind of goofy - with moms talking about how they want the donor to be smart, athletic, creative, adventurous then say "but this guy had really nice hair - so why not?"

Quickly though the problems start to appear. The show paces each revelation so that just when you think it can't get worse - another bomb drops. They also do a great job showing diverse visuals and keeping a good balance between the desperation and anger of the moms and the hilarity of his corny self made videos.

It's the ultimate turn around from something most people think is a good thing (helping moms have kids) to becoming a terrible things (making wayyyy too many kids). At the end of the day - you want some kind of justice, and at the same time - he does have really nice hair.