The Being

Okay, "The Being" is probably one of the absolute crappiest and cheesiest low-budget horror productions the 80's decade ever spawned (and that is saying a lot), but who can honestly bring him/herself to slamming it so harshly and even discourage other people to watch it? If nothing else, this film guarantees tremendous fun and it's never boring; not even for half a second. Surely the basic concept is unoriginal, the script is unimaginably incoherent and the acting performances rank among the absolute hammiest we have ever witnessed, but you could pretty much derive all that from one short peek at the DVD-cover, so don't come complaining afterwards! "The Being" is (unintentionally?) hilarious, with insane and totally irrelevant sub plots, unnecessary narrative voice-overs, stereotypical small-town USA rednecks, and grotesque splatter effects. The small town of Pottsville, Idaho (self-acclaimed potato capital of the world, mind you) has an unwelcome new arrival in the shape of a gooey & bloodthirsty mutated monster. He clearly likes cars, as he always hides in them, and he's undeniably the result of years of pollution even though the local scientist openly claims that it's safe to dump toxic waste in the water reservoirs. But Pottsville is dealing with more issues than just the slimy monster. The mayor's wife is on a sole mission to banish all pornography, the potato export business may under no circumstances get in danger, there's a lonely woman wandering around the streets without apparent motives, the deputy is too busy arresting Mexican immigrants who're fishing without a license and the local radio DJ blames all the missing person files on the tornadoes even though I didn't notice the slightest sign of bad whether. At one point, I was even suspecting the DJ to be the monster in disguise, because he seems to know who vanished before they're even reported as missing persons. In case cheesy gore and bad dialogs is what you crave, "The Being" certainly won't disappoint! We're already treated to a fabulous decapitation moment during the first five minutes, and there are several more delightfully gross massacres to enjoy throughout the rest of the film. Martin Landau receives top billing but his role is rather small. Good call, because he clearly wasn't very interested in the lines he had to speak and I suspect he just signed up because he had nothing better to do. Rexx Coltrane – his name makes him sound like a porn actor – is probably the most wooden actor I ever saw and his lack of talent particularly becomes transparent when he tries to convince the mayor something stinks in Pottsville. Honestly, feel free to watch this demented sick puppy in case you're looking for a couple of laughs and a handful of undemanding smut effects. Please do avoid if you have low tolerance for poorly scripted and inane 80's trash movies. "The Being" anonymously remained lying on a shelf for three years before it got released and the same director was also responsible for "Blood Diner" … How's that for bad omens? I guess the term "guilty pleasure" was invented exactly for movies like this.

This isn't a magnificent movie, though it isn't a bad one either. This is pretty much as average as they come. A year before Toxi the Toxic Avenger graced out screens there was The Being.

This is a story about a boy who falls foul to a greedy Mayor who sells his soul to a corporation so they can dump pollution in his township. Once the boy is mutated, his damaged brain send him on a killing spree. As always, with the plethora of horror films, this could have been better, especially the story which is only there to create The Being.

What this film has in its favour is it's cast, though not the cream of the crop there are some very good masters of their craft involved. Both Martin Landau and Jose Ferrer in their respective roles of Dr Garson Jones and Mayor Gordon Lane, who is nice and sleazy. In fact, most of the cast give good performances with the material they have, even Roxanne Cybelle Osco, who is the little girl in the Easter Egg Hunt scene (one of my favourites in the film). The only person who seems miscast is Bill Osco as Detective Mortimer Lutz, his style is that of a Chippendale chair... Oh, and there's even a naked Traci Lord painting her toenails before being attacked by a rubber monster (sorry I couldn't resist - though it is true).

So why didn't this get a higher rating? For me, it's the directing. Though Jackie Kong's story isn't too bad for an '80's horror film his directing skills aren't up to the same standard. That said there are some good scenes. As I stated I liked the Easter Egg Hunt; I liked the opening sequence where you hear a radio broadcast informing the town that the storm has passed, this creates a nice atmosphere... which is then spoiled by a narration. The narration isn't required as everything is explained throughout the movie. I don't know if this was requested to be added later, it feels that way, or if it was the original plan, but what I do know is that it kills the atmosphere and spoils the feel of the film. This may even get a few people turning off. Kong is also good at filming in the dark as he opts to make everything visible (there's nothing worse than when a scene is so dark you cannot see what's happening). He can even build up the tension as the scene in the dinner shows, nice and creepy. If he could have kept this up for the entirety of the film it would have been so much better.

Then there are the effects. The ripping out of a heart is well done as is the oozing pollution which comes through the car's vents and radio. However, the monster itself is laughable and it's a good thing that you don't see it fully until the finale. It resembles a box of goo on a skateboard and the one eye it has doesn't look at all realistic; I was waiting for the glue to go off and the table tennis ball to fall off.

If you like, leave your brain at the door '80's horror and you've not seen this one yet then give it a gander as it's at least worth one viewing. It should be said that it would be better viewed in the dark with a nice cold drink... or two... or three... while the rain outside is spattering your window.

Happy Easter, you One-Eyed Willy Monster.

As a bona fide horror fan, especially from the 80s, I'm shocked I missed this one. I've known about it my whole life, but never got to it. And wow, I'm pretty shocked how much they put into this.

The biggest positives stem from how many times they showed the penis creature, or at least, parts of the penis creature. Like right from the beginning, every couple of minutes until the great penis monster's climax.

Now, the acting, editing at times, continuity and people's unnatural reaction to green ooze all over the town or the monster's appearances are all bad, but I was actually entertained through to the end...even when I couldn't really comprehend how many penis monsters there were, if there were more than one or their powers.

I will have to also point out that I suspect the studio invited morons to its test screenings. In the beginning, there were a lot of odd narration (over a radio DJ - hard to hear both!) and voice overs to explain the thoughts of our husky lead detective. I bet they added these in post because, I assume, the test audience had less-than-desirable I.Q.s.

Some of the subplots I found amusing: Mayor Spuds Mackenzie and his extremely limited Jaws ripoff scenes and the townsfolk's objection to smut coming into their very Southern-acting town in Idaho. Specifically, they're scared of a massage parlor opening as they might be massaging something else...

(Insert penis monster reference here.)

It's not perfect, but I would've enjoyed the heck out of this as a kid for how many times we saw the monster in a creature feature. If you're like me with cheesy 80's monster movies, watch this.

***

Final Thoughts: It was a major coincidence I decided to watch this on Easter-Eve and I didn't even know it was a holiday film. Huh, they should really market this as such. I can't think of another Rated-R Easter Horror movie, other than The Passion of the Christ.

This movie tries very hard but reeks of a production that didn't really know what it was doing.

Many times I got the impression something was missing too, whether because of production errors, the poor night lighting or editing, who knows, but narration often has to step in to tell us what's going on, which is always a red flag.

Add to that some giggle inducing deaths plus the final monster reveal being more comedic than scary and you've got the makings of a cult classic.

With some beer and friends it's not your worst choice, certainly it can't be described as boring as the pacing is good.

Worth a look, if you're into that sort of thing.

This movie is almost like CHUD except not as good. It was somewhat disappointing in its first half, and then I realized that it wasn't going to get any better after that. The movie is on the par with cheap 1950's B-movie horror flicks, and is worth a watch on late night TV when nothing else is on. It's main problem is that it is rather un-inspired in its use of the overplayed theme of radioactive waste turning things into monsters, and is slow. It is quite funny, though and frightening in places. I rated it an embarrassingly high 5 -- Hey, so I'm easy to please.