The Phantom Empire

Despite the title, not a remake of the 1935 trash classic with Gene Autry. In this Fred Olen Ray movie, an expedition enters a (very bright) dark cave and discovers cave girls including the cute Michelle Bauer, dinosaurs, cannibals, a robot firing green laser beams and, above all, the voluptuous Sybil Danning as a black leather alien queen. Now, read it slowly again. Does that make any sense? No, it doesn't, you can't even land a space ship in a cave with walls all around. Therefore, no need to argue whether it's a bad movie, since you already know the answer. This is mindless fun for a special audience, and if you like to see Sybil Danning kill a tiny stop animation dinosaur with a spear, get your copy.

Fred Olen Ray is a cool dude. He's made over 100 movies, but this was made somewhat early on in his career. This film is a throwback to 1950's Z-grade monster cheapies, with a bit of 1930's serials thrown in as well. Yes, this film is beyond low budget. This is one of those flicks where they schlep a camera up to Bronson Canyon, and spend most of the movie running back and forth down the same cave. Also we get a side trip to Vasquez Rocks, which should be very familiar to fans of old sci-fi or old B-Westerns. The plot: is that really important? Just know we've a got a bad Indiana Jones rip-off played by Robert Quarry, his hard-drinking female second, a half-naked mute cave girl, the guy from "Reanimator", Sybil Danning as the "Alien Queen", and Robby the Robot shows up, amongst other foolishness I can't even remember.

If you get the DVD, listen to Fred's commentary track, which is invaluable for film fanatics and aspiring indie filmmakers. Fred records great commentaries, filled with hilarious anecdotes about the world of zero-budget filmdom. This is no exception. So, on that basis, I give the movie a 5 out of 10. But I realize that most film goers don't share the love of low-budget sci-fi films that I do, so buy with caution.

"The Phantom Empire" stars Ross Hagen and Dawn Wildsmith as low-rent salvage experts hired by rich girl Suzy Stokey to investigate caves that could potentially contain a windfall of jewels. With Jeffrey Combs (a paleontologist) and Robert Quarry (a mineralogist) in tow, they discover a tribe of sexy cavewomen, Robby the Robot, and B movie goddess Sybil Danning as a feisty alien queen.

Admittedly, "The Phantom Empire" is awfully slow to start, but at least director-producer-co-writer Fred Olen Ray has a sense of humor about what he does, much like his peer Jim Wynorski. The movie is VERY goofy nonsense, but it's too irreverent to dismiss outright. What helps is that scene-stealer Wildsmith has a plethora of sardonic dialogue, as well as constant unimpressed reactions to all the insane stuff the characters experience.

The movie does also benefit from the presence of Michelle Bauer, who, like Danning, is a constant welcome presence in diversions like this; here she plays a mute cave bunny who wears little and is always helping out our heroes. But the movie never really hits its stride until Sybil shows up. (About 55 minutes into the running time.) There are some mildly amusing stop-motion dinosaurs that wouldn't past muster in a Ray Harryhausen picture, but let's face it: Sybil and Michelle are the reasons why many guys will enjoy it as much as they do.

At its best, this is an agreeable update of Z-grade movies of decades past, a mash-up of "The Lost World" and "The Time Machine", with dime store versions of the Morlocks from the latter story.

Six out of 10.

Another 80s Fred Olen Ray flick I had never seen, but knew quite well due to seeing stills of Sybil Danning in her tight leather outfit. Denae Chambers (Susan Stokey) hires Cort Eastman (Ross Hagen) and his female sidekick Eddy (Dawn Wildsmith) to help locate a rumored lost world in the center of the earth that might have tons of priceless jewels. Joining them on their expedition are Prof. Strock (Robert Quarry) and Andrew Paris (Jeffrey Combs). What they find after venturing 15 miles into a cave is another world ruled by an alien queen (Sybil Danning). This is so-so stuff from Ray that doesn't really pick up until the last 20 minutes. The best thing about it (other than Michelle Bauer getting topless) is the rapport between hard drinking Cort and Eddy. Combs is also an always welcome presence. Seeing this, DEEP SPACE, THE TOMB and PRISON SHIP all so close together also makes me respect the acting of Stokey as she played wildly different characters in each one. And, of course, Danning in anything 80s is require viewing. Yowza!

Think of movies starring Doug McClure like 'The land that time forgot' but with acting, dialogue and special effects that are 100 times worse and you have 'The Phantom Empire'. The only plus points, there are 3, is Jeffrey Combs and Michelle Bauer going topless. Should really be a 1 star movie, but it was so terrible it made me laugh, so have given an extra 2 stars.