Parry Shen: Shawn

Hatchet

Shawn

Shawn: But you only shot him once, right? Maybe you gotta shoot him more times. Like four- or six- maybe you gotta shoot him six times?

Shawn: [on a tour bus, over the PA system] Okay folks, I am your tour guide Shawn. Just sit back and get ready to enjoy some...
Marcus: [interrupting him] Ah, buddy, you don't need that thing. This is, like, the size of a Mini Cooper.
Shawn: [grumbles to himself in Chinese]

Shawn: Don't mind him, that's just Jack Cracker.
Jenna: Jack Cracker?
Shawn: Yeah, yeah, just one of the local alligator hunters. He just sits there, yells things, drinks his own piss. He's... ah, you know, cracked.

Shawn: Now here on the Mississippi bayou, hundreds of fishermen and old pirates have lost their lives... and if we're lucky, we might just see their souls floatin' over the waters where they up and died.

Shawn: [Telling a story about Victor Crowley at the fake house] Victor Crowley, hatchet face! Legend is that, uh, he was a deformed man whose own father went nuts and whacked him in the face with a hatchet one night. All by account that he was so ugly or...
[looks at card]
Shawn: something... anyway, he died. As so, the story goes that if you're ever near the old Crowley house late at night, you can still hear ol' Victor Crowley crying for his daddy...
[lowering his voice]
Shawn: daaaaaaaaddyyy...
[gasp]
Shawn: Y'all hear that?
[Gulps and lowers his voice again]
Shawn: Daaaaaaaaaaddyyy...
[gasp]
Shawn: I heard it again!
Marybeth: That ain't the story.
Shawn: Well, that's the gist of it, anyway.
Marybeth: That's not even the house.
Shawn: CHRIST, WILL YOU JUST LET ME DO MY JOB?
[starts shouting in Chinese; stops, seeing he just went out of character and goes back to his Southern voice]
Shawn: Y'all try the crawfish yet?

Shawn: [driving the tour bus] If you look to your right, you'll see the famous cemetery.
Misty: [looking out left window] I don't see anything.

Shawn: [Marcus and Shawn are propping up the injured Mr. Permatteo on both sides] Yo, why is it that the crackers are back there with the honeys and the two brothers gotta carry the injured dude? I am so sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen.
Marcus: I just want to get to a road, then I'm gonna whup your ass.

Shawn: Off to the left, you'll see something you don't see everyday, but I do, heh heh... real live Cypress trees! Now hey, what did the Spanish boy say to the Cypress? 'Mind if I HANG around?' Ho hoo, sometimes, I'll tell that joke in Español.
Jim Permatteo: Hey, isn't the Cypress a Louisiana state tree?
Shawn: I bet it sure is.
Jim Permatteo: Yes, it was 1963, the Fall Cypress.
Shawn: Ho now, only room for one guide on this boat now.

Marybeth: My daddy and my brother went out hunting on this river two nights ago and they never came back. The cops said they're probably just off on a bender or something somewhere, but I know that isn't what happened.
Shawn: So you go on a ghost tour? How does that make any sense?
Marybeth: Well, 30 bucks for a boat ride was a hell of a lot cheaper than getting my own boat, wasn't it?
Misty: That still doesn't explain the gun!
Ben: Yeah, and why her ticket was only 30 bucks!

Shawn: Are y'all ready to see something really scary? Huh? Are you all ready? Everyone who's ready say, "Oh yeah!"
[silence]
Shawn: Okay, I'm gonna do it anyway. Here we go.
[stops the boat]
Shawn: Okay, folks. I'm gonna shut the lights off for a second. And once your eyes adjust, you'll be able to see some of the ghost lights just hovering above the water over to the right at Kwaj Island.
[powers off the lights on the boat]
Shawn: [moments pass]
Jenna: I don't see anything.
Shawn: Uh, just wait 'til your eyes adjust.
Misty: They're adjusted, there's just nothing there.
Shapiro: Hey, can we get those lights going again? You're killing all my camera shots.
[suddenly, marsh vapors start materializing]
Shannon Permatteo: Jim, look! I think I see something!
Shawn: That's right! Yeah, you see? Not one, but TWO ghosts! See? I told y'all!
Jim Permatteo: Isn't that just a chemical reaction from the water and the gases?
Shawn: NO NO NO, MAN! It's the ghosts! Look!
Marcus: Nah, bro. Those are marsh vapors. I've seen this on TV.
Shawn: [frustrated] Hell, man, why'd ya even all come then? They're ghosts!
Marcus: Oh, you're right!
[pause]
Marcus: Except no.
[Marcus and Jenna laugh. Marcus looks over to see Jenna scratching her crotch; he takes his arm away from behind her on the seat]
Marcus: Dammit...

Shawn: Who's ready to do some haunting, huh? Ha ha ha! The night will soon be upon us! The spirits of the damned are on the rise! Let's get our souls on the move, my friends!
[sees Ben and Marcus]
Shawn: What can I do you two for?
Ben: Do you do a haunted swamp tour?
Shawn: Why- Why, I do the ONLY haunted swamp tour!
[starts doing cheap magic tricks]
Shawn: Real live ghosts, tales of the macabre, and actual sites that are damned by... voodoo curses.
Marcus: [to Ben] I hate you.