Jon Heder credited as playing...
Napoleon Dynamite
- Don: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?
- Napoleon Dynamite: I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!
- Don: Did you shoot any?
- Napoleon Dynamite: Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?
- Don: What kind of gun did you use?
- Napoleon Dynamite: A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?
- Napoleon Dynamite: [referring to Deb's milk] I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.
- [first lines]
- Kid on Bus: What are you gonna do today, Napoleon?
- Napoleon Dynamite: Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh!
- Napoleon Dynamite: [Feeding the llama scoops of casserole over the fence] Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!... Tina, eat. Food. Eat the FOOD!
- [Napoleon has snuck tator tots out of the lunch room and is eating them during class out of his pants pocket]
- Randy: Napoleon, give me some of your tots.
- Napoleon Dynamite: No, go find your own.
- Randy: Come on, give me some of your tots.
- Napoleon Dynamite: No, I'm freakin' starving! I didn't get to eat *anything* today.
- Randy: [Kicks the pocket with the tots, crushing them]
- Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh! Gross! Freakin' idiot!
- Napoleon Dynamite: Well, what is there to eat?
- Grandma: Knock it off, Napoleon! Just make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!
- Deb: What are you drawing?
- Napoleon Dynamite: A liger.
- Deb: What's a liger?
- Napoleon Dynamite: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Do the chickens have large talons?
- Farmer: Do they have what?
- Napoleon Dynamite: Large talons.
- Farmer: I don't understand a word you just said.
- Teacher: Your current event, Napoleon.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Cort Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.
- Napoleon Dynamite: [drinks glass of milk] The defect in that one is bleach.
- FFA Judge No. 1: That's right.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Yessssssssss.
- Napoleon Dynamite: [drinks second glass of milk] This tastes like the cow got into an onion patch.
- FFA Judge No. 2: Correct.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Yessssssssss.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip.
- Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes... *all day*. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
- Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
- Napoleon Dynamite: What?
- Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
- Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
- Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes! I'd vote for you.
- Pedro: Like what are my skills?
- Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.
- Napoleon Dynamite: [referring to the dance] Who are you gonna ask?
- Pedro: That girl over there.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that?
- Pedro: Build her a cake or something.
- Trisha: Hi, is Napoleon there?
- Napoleon Dynamite: Yes.
- Trisha: Can I talk to him?
- Napoleon Dynamite: You already are.
- Trisha: I wanted to thank you for the beautiful drawing you did of me.
- [through gritted teeth]
- Trisha: It's hanging in my *bedroom*.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Really? It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.
- Trisha: Yeah... it's really... neat.
- Kip: So when's grandma coming back?
- Uncle Rico: I don't know. Not sure.
- Napoleon Dynamite: You don't have to stay here with us, we're not babies.
- Uncle Rico: Ha ha! Talk to your Auntie Carolyn.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Kip is like 32 years old.
- Kip: I don't mind if you stay.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Why do you got your hood on like that?
- Pedro: Well, when I came home from school my head started to get really hot. So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing. So I laid in the bathtub for a while, but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my head hot. So I went into my kitchen and I shaved it all off. I don't want anyone to see.
- Napoleon Dynamite: I know what you mean.