Eegah

Watching this movie is an experience akin to being run over by a dairy truck...it leaves you dazed and confused, with an overwhelming memory of cheese.

'Eegah!" is one of those enjoyably wretched films of a long gone era, made in a time when anyone thought they could make a film, and indeed, anyone could. (See "Manos" or "Teenage Strangler" for further examples.). The script is so disconnected and incoherent, the actors so unconvincing and affected, the whole vibe so amateurish and transparent in its effort to be cool and hip and with it, while having no clue as to what 'hip' really is....that you almost want to affectionately pat the cast and crew on their little heads and comfort them. "There, there, Arch Hall Sr., you did your best, that's all that matters," you want to say.

That is, when you don't want everyone associated with the film dead.

Arch Hall Jr. has been the target of numerous remarks comparing his face and appearance unfavorably to everything up to "a pile of napalmed squirrels heaped around a parking meter" (Rick Johnson from Creem magazine). In his defense, I am sure that he probably didn't look all that bad in person. But there is that unfortunate blond Pompadour and an unfortunate snub nose and too much skin bronzer, and the results on camera are indescribably uncompelling. So the camera hates him, and the poor kid is completely out of his depth; he can't act, he can't sing, and he can't do action, and the director keeps forcing him to do all those things front and center for the entire movie. You can only wonder if the kid actually thought his performance in EEGAH was going to make him the new Fabian, or if he knew that he would be lucky not to get lynched by the public when the film was released.

There are three songs 'performed' (along with an swinging band instrumental piece) by AH Jr in this film, and they are all guaranteed classics of unintended low comedy. The most side splitting is the one where Arch and his amps are poolside, and he starts lip-syncing to a song about about 'Vicki'.A coloratura soprano voice kicks in behind him a measure later, doing solfeggio on the melody line a full two octaves above his thin little voice and completely overpowering it. It's the goofiest, most overblown, inappropriate thing possible to do to this simple little ballad, but they tear right into it with gusto. What was the arranger smoking when he came up with this? (Or what did he start smoking in order to get through having to arrange it in the first place???)

The plot is also endearingly pathetic in its attempt to work in a 'Beauty and The Beast' motif between the female lead and Eegah himself...Roxy is apparently supposed to be torn between her fear of Eegah and her sympathy for him as an innocent. Or else she's supposed to be torn between Eegah and Arch Hall Jr. However...I have no idea what the young lady playing the girl was like in real life, but there has rarely been a poorer choice to play an ingénue. She does faint on cue real good, though.

Any time a film chooses to end with a quote from the Bible, you can bet that the filmmakers knew they were in trouble and wanted to invoke a 'class act' so they could gain validity from association. Given how creepy and self important Arch Hall Sr's performance was during the film, his quote from the Old Testament about "There were Giants In the Earth' , which was meant to serve as Eegah's eulogy comes completely out of nowhere, and leaves you going..."What? Huh?" And the final embrace between Archy and Roxy, where he dubs in the line "Remember...I love you" and no ones' lips move is fully as bad as "Watch Out For Snakes"...but because it comes after the movie has bludgeoned the viewer fully into a coma, I don't think people remember it as often.

Watch EEGAH! at least once. You'll have a great time heaping scorn on it.

Ah, a serene night, your girl camped out on a bed roll on your tricked out dune buggy, a horny prehistoric giant (talked about in Genesis none-the-less) on the prowl for your girl, and not a care in the world. You pull out your guitar and sing an ode to Veronica, and that guitar plays bass, percussion, and even whistles. Strange I never actually heard guitar in any of his songs.

This is just a sample of the so-bad-it's good campiness available in Eegah. But unfortunately there is just as much so-bad-it-reeks that I can't give it more than 3 stars. I actually thought it was over when the unfortunate trio escaped from the cave. Man was I mistaken, there was another excruciating stretch of film with Eegah in the modern world. And don't get me started on Arch Jr., he can thank whatever god that smiles down on him that Sr. is in charge. How else would this hack get to be the "Elvis" of this movie. "I swear on my stack of Elvis Presley LP's" there are few worse performances in cinematic history.

So in review - this movie is not as bad as the bottom 100 ranking leads you to believe, but nowhere near masterpiece theater. Is entertaining though with a bunch of smart-mouthed friends and lots of beer.

The great thing about "Eegah!" is that it's memorably awful. Even for a bad film, there's something so unique in the dopiness of this strange tale about a caveman loose in the arid wastes of Palm Springs that it really lifts "Eegah!" up to the level of Ed Wood, Gamera, and the film version of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band." Once you've seen it, you'll never forget it. There are many good films you can't say that about.

Richard Kiel, who went on to play a terrific villain in the best James Bond film of the 1970s, "The Spy Who Loved Me," stars as the misunderstood Neanderthal who falls in love with the daughter of famed adventure writer "Robert I. Miller." Like many great men, Dr. Miller is a maze of contradictions, wearing a pith helmet and khaki bush jacket along with black socks and carrying a tiny man-purse. He also installed two mini-ovens in his den, handy for TV snacking.

While trying to take a scintillating photo of a dead campfire, Dr. Miller is surprised by the lumbering giant, who takes him to a cave made of obvious canvas and filled with badly-carved mannequins supposed to be his long-dead kin. It's left up to Dr. Miller's daughter Roxy and her boyfriend, musician and dune-buggy enthusiast Tommy Nelson, to save him. But the horny caveman has other plans for racy Roxy.

Tommy is played by Arch Hall Jr., the other actor in "Eegah!" people remember. Unlike Kiel, it's Hall's performance in this movie that made him famous. He's not exactly repulsive by real-world standards, but his face really sticks out on a movie screen, like Michael J. Pollard crossed with Alfred E. Newman. To make matters worse, he wears his hair in a ridiculously exaggerated greasy blond pompadour and is presented in the film as something of a teen idol, fawned over by the ladies and prone to engaging banter like: "Wowsy wow wow!" It's hard to believe that director Nicholas Merriwether thought this bug-eyed scrub could carry a tuning fork let alone a tune, until you discover Merriwether was the alias of one Arch Hall Sr. (who also played Dr. Miller.)

Giving away more is a disservice. You really have to see the film for yourself. There are many bad films out there, but only one "Eegah!" Even the folks at Mystery Science Theater 3000 couldn't improve on this one, though they tried. Sure, they picked up on one absurd line, "Watch out for snakes," and it's now a catch phrase for those of us who have been "Eegah!-ed." But focusing on just that one line is so wrong, like just thinking "Rosebud" when someone mentions "Citizen Kane." There's so much else going on here, and for once Joel and his 'bots seemed at a loss.

You can't get angry at a film that fails on so many levels. It's like a reverse tutorial in cinematic competency. It's just good these guys found work making movies rather than in nuclear fission.

Really bad music, bad acting, bad dialogue, but all bad in an enjoyable way, like the phony fight scenes by the pool and the way Roxy pretends to cut Kiel's fake beard while her father murmurs creepy encouragement from the sidelines. Bad films are fun to read about, but they are rarely fun to watch the way "Eegah!" is.

This would have been an okay sixties monster movie with a decent monster performance by Kiel, who manages to almost pull of scary and nearly pull off sad. However there was one fatal flaw in the making of this film. That flaw was Arch Hall Sr., who co wrote, directed, acted in, and I think produced the movie. I don't know what he was thinking when he put this thing together, but it was demented. First off, the movie is just stupid. The dialogue is horrible, there are big parts that make no sense, very little happens, and the characters are all annoying and retarded. Furthermore, there are lots of really weird voice over problems, like when the three main people walk past the screen and a voice from the sky shouts at extra high volume while no one is speaking, "Watch out for snakes!". Then there's the fact that Arch Hall Sr. cast himself as the father of the girl who gets kidnapped. Maybe she was really his girlfriend in real life or maybe Arch Hall Sr. is just weird, but whatever it was, the two act really bizarre together. First of all, they do a lot of strange, "semi-sexual but in a weird and kind of gross way" things. Also, Arch, as the father, keeps pimping his daughter out to Eegah.

But the WORST thing about this movie is Arch Hall Sr.'s most painful contribution to the film. Arch Hall Jr. All I can say is that Arch Hall Jr. is probably one of the worst actor's I've ever seen, and probably one of the most horrendously ugly people who's ever lived. His face is so creepy it made me shiver ever time he smiled. Of course he was the hero.

The good thing about Eegah? Made a great episode for Mystery Science Theater 3000. The show that makes bad movies good. Watch for the living room with an oven on the wall. Check this one out. But not without MST3K to protect you. It wouldn't be worth the pain.

Eegah taught me a lot of things about life. It taught me how to love, it taught me how to hate, and it taught me how to paaaarrrrtttaaaaayyyy! If you love to get down and dance the night away, then have we got a movie for you! Never once, have I seen so many fantastic elements combined to create such a pristine film. The only word that can describe it is "Eegah!" After watching this movie several times, I finally realized the hidden message behind the word eegah. Eegah is an acronym, and goes as follows.

E-Ecstatic-my mood after watching this movie

E-Envisioned-this film captures everything a film should

G-Gay-this movie made me the happiest I've ever been in my life

A-Archie Hall Jr. and Sr.-that dynamic duo that just wouldn't quit making me smile

H-Hell-I'd go to Hell before giving up my copy of 'Eegah'