Elves

This schlock-ridden beauty is a christmas horror gem of the it's-so-bad-it's good variety.

The plotline is gold.

Nazis have genetically engineered the master race gene into elves buried in an american forest. The man behind this plot impregnated his own daughter, as part of a scheme to create the perfect human- specifically designed to procreate with these elves. Hence, his granddaughter is the focus of an ancient prophecy come to fruition...as she is to breed with the elf at midnight on christmas morning, to bring forth the antichrist and master race- who will rule over the entire world.

But she has no idea about any of this...until, well, her friends start getting murdered by nazi occult priests and the elf itself.

Up to this point, she's just a rad 80's chick, upset with the outrageousness of this square world...shooting the shit with her girlfriends and getting up to no good. At least when she's not working.

One night, she and her girlfriends break into the department store where she works. They plan to party...but are are interrupted with this whole fiasco, before they get a chance to let loose.

Now, her, Santa, and her little brother must take on and destroy the elf, before she gets raped and knocked up with the antichrist by it.

This film is cheesy as hell, but the elf is kinda cool (though, also totally lame), and its full of awesomely quotable one liners. There's even some tension in there! Meaning, it's pretty much everything you want in a christmas horror this holiday season.

Recommended.

6 out of 10.

OK, I'm normally not the kind of guy who thinks bad movies are funny. If I see a movie that is truly terrible, then I may have a couple of laughs, but I will be disappointed overall. That's why I am finding it hard to say, as nearly everybody who has seen the film does, that Elves is a bad movie. I loved it. I don't think that I have ever laughed so hard at a movie in all of my life. Here's a memorable quote. Grizzly Adams, let me repeat, GRIZZLY ADAMS: "Tell me about the connection between the elves and the Nazis." If you find this line at all interesting or humorous then I have to say, SEE ELVES. The story: A Nazi grandfather has selectively inbred to create a girl who, when impregnated by an elf, will create the Nazi 4th Reich: An army of Nazi elves who will take over the world! Yeah, this plot is incredibly stupid, but you have to admit that whoever thought up this idea was a pretty creative individual, and I give him a lot of credit. The movie follows the young girl who is being hunted by a sex crazed elf and Grizzly Adams' character, who is doing everything in his power to try and help the girl. Grizzly is pursued by a group of unknown men who are attempting to stop his hunt for the elf at any cost. This results in an especially gut-busting scene in which we see Grizzly Adams dive roll out of a speeding car right before it explodes. HAHA! I'm laughing right now just thinking about it. Do you want to see a perverted department store Santa killed by a mutant elf who stabs him repeatably in the genitalia? See Elves. The acting is great, and by great a mean absolutely hilarious; it's NOT that bad, it's just really funny. I suppose I am really hyping this movie up. I watched it with a large group of friends who all claimed that the movie was bad, and yet they were laughing just as hard as me through the whole thing. Maybe you will think Elves is a bad movie, but I'm sure you'll get a kick out of it.

My review was written in January 1990 after watching the movie on AIP video cassette.

Boasting one of the nuttiest premises in recent fantasy film history, this direct-to-video release is an easy-to-watch spawn of the success of "Gremlins".

Proper title would be "Elf" rather than "Elves", since low-budgeter coughs up only one puppet creature. Impossible-to-swallow plot hook is that a group of neo-Nazis, living in Colorado Springs (!) is planning a Fourth Reich based on mating an elf with a special virgin girl to create a new master race.

Supposedly those mystical Nazi scientists during World War II stored the genetic information in a two-foot tall elf, awaiting their big chance. Borah Silver plays Grandpa, a Nazi who impregnated his own daughter (Deanna Lund) to produce a supposedly perfect offspring, lovely Julie Austin, who's poised for the grand experiment that has to take place on Christmas Eve.

Dan Haggerty plays a down-on-his-luck security guard working as a department store Santa Claus (!) who tumbles on to the weird scheme and strives to save Austin and the world. Open ending predictably is a shot of the etus, a result of a puppet raping her (!).

This sounds silly and is, though director Jeff Mandel manages to keep things interesting despite the hokum. The incest subplot is handled quite well for dramatic impact, and the effects, designed by VIncent J. Guastini for Fantasy Workshop, are okay. Script is not above making fun of star Haggerty's real-life problems, but he seems a good sport about it.

Acting is variable, with Austin's sympathetic performance the glue that holds one's attention. Lund, a former starlet familiar from Jerry Lewis films and tv's "Land of the Lost" series, is effectively cast against type as the mean mom/half-sister. Silver's accent as Grandpa is a joke and Allen Lee takes the student-acting booby prize as a goofball professor.

The best thing about Elves is most definitely the plot. The acting is so-so, the elf itself (yes, there's only one elf) is OK but a bit cheesy looking when you get to see it. You don't get to see it very much sadly. I didn't really get bored whilst watching Elves, which I was thankful for. The bizarre plot keeps you wondering what will happen next, especially after revelations about in-breeding and Nazis. There is one hilarious line when the girls brother says "Is everything going to be alright?", to which she replies: "No Willy, granddad's a Nazi".

The main problem with Elves is that it doesn't really do much. Yeah, the plot is bizarre, but the film doesn't really do it justice. You don't get to see much of the elf, so really the film is more like a bizarre story being narrated by the characters, as opposed to an actual film.

Wow! I can't believe this movie exists. Just when I thought Chuck Norris was the worst actor ever, along comes Grizzly Adams. He is a department store Santa trying to stop a Nazi created elf from doing something. The elf is laughable. Characters come and go without explanation. The elf kills without explanation. Grizzly Adams acting defies explanation. The dialogue is priceless. This movie was delightfully bad. I highly recommend it. Rent it for a laugh.